Always?
by FormidableJoy
Summary: End of 5x24 'Watershed'/ beginning of 6x01 'Valkyrie'. Feelings of betrayal and inadequacy must be resolved before Castle and Beckett can move forward.


**Always?**

They're kissing and hugging and swaying together. And then… And then he feels moisture collecting on his cheeks and mingling between their lips. It's not raining, and he's fairly sure he's not crying. So the salty droplets must belong to Kate.

He pulls back a little, expecting to see dopy happiness and tears of joy. But her expression is so much different that it causes his temperature to drop a good few degrees, and the cold sensation to rush through his bloodstream.

He starts to utter her name but she pushes forward to hide her face in his neck. She clings to him and her shoulders shake, and the only thing he can do is hold her tightly. To says he's confused is an understatement, and yet in an uncharacteristic demonstration of restraint, he holds himself back from questioning her, sensing that interrogating her now would only be counterproductive. So he lets her hide from the rest of the world against his neck, supports her slightly trembling form and runs a soothing hand over the soft cotton-covered flesh to the side of her vertebrae. Only a few people eye the couple with curiosity, and thankfully no eager children run to take ownership of the swings beside which Castle and Beckett are stood.

It is several minutes before Kate gulps an apology. She pulls away to swipe at the moisture on her cheeks, and Castle's hands slide down to rest on her hips, whether through support or a reluctance to let her go, she's not sure. Regardless, she's grateful for the connection. "I just… Are you sure?"

Given the lack of conversation during the past few minutes, her question seems disjointed and out of place. He struggles to place her meaning before dumbly asking, "About what?"

"About wanting to marry me?"

He's a little taken aback. Was he not serious enough? "You think I'd ask something as important as that on an impulse?"

Hurrying to attempt to dispel the insulted and increasingly wounded expression from his face, she shakes her head emphatically. "No! It's just…" she pauses then sighs. "Me. It's me."

"I know who I proposed to, Kate," he responds slowly, still not comprehending the desperate tinge to her tone and actions. He feels that he's missing a vital point somewhere and Beckett isn't being particularly forthcoming with the solution. Still, it seems she's trying at least and he can see she's floundering so he speaks again, both to give her a little more time, and to lighten to mood. "First I give you the impression I'm breaking up with you – complete opposite by the way! And now this…" He makes vague gestures with his hands. "We really need to nail this whole communication skill, Beckett."

Again, she surprises him; her expression is so sober that his briefly-alighted smile slides from his features. "That's my point, Castle. How can you want to marry me after my actions and my lack of communication?"

"About DC."

They're both more than aware at the complicated context behind his simple statement so she merely nods.

"Like I said, Kate. It's who you are."

"But that's not how I want to be!" She's so emphatic that she takes him aback. "You shouldn't have to deal with a… With a partner who is so closed off."

The coldness is back again, only this time it slides through him slowly, icy fingers sinking deep into his bones, tightening uncomfortably around his heart; a terrifying foreboding creeping upon him. "Kate-"

"Please," she interrupts and grabs him hand. "Please let me say this." A deep breath of composure is taken and he squeezes her fingers in support. "I should have told you as soon as Stack made the suggestion. Or at least not passed it off as 'nothing'." She tightens her hold on his hand again, willing him not to let go, willing him to let her explain before takes a decisive action, be that taking back his proposal of marriage or not. "I didn't tell you because I was scared about the conversation we would have to have. I love you Castle, and I want a future with you…"

Strangely, her words do little to warm him. He senses a 'but' coming; he's not wrong.

"But I didn't know if it was the right time in our relationship to be having that conversation. I didn't know if discussing something as big as a potential move out of the state would be too much of a strain on our relationship too early on."

"So you decided to lie to me." He can't help the bitterness in his tone, and Kate flinches in response. He almost recoils himself. Perhaps she was right about them needing to hash this out now; he's clearly still holding some resent which is only now making itself known. Not seeing any reason to take back his words which were, though blunt, the truth, a squeeze of her hand is the only contrition he can offer.

"I decided to take what I thought would be the easier route," she continues after a moment of silence. The waver in her voice joins her glassy eyes in a physical manifestation of her distress. "I honestly never believed I'd get the job, and thought by saying nothing I could avoid any…" She struggles to find the right word. "Any conflict, any arguments. What if I lost you, and then never even got the job? It would all have been for nothing."

Castle opens his mouth, whether to refute her statement and reassure or to counter with anger, he's not sure. She holds up her hand in a noiseless request for silence, and for once he obeys.

"Honestly, if I'd been unsuccessful I planned on saying nothing and figured there was no reason you'd ever have to find out. We could have continued as we were. I'm not proud of it, and hindsight tells me I was stupid but…" she trails off and moves as if to shrug but her shoulders stays hunched. Shame makes her curl inwards.

"But you got the job. If I hadn't found your ticket, would you have said anything? Or would I have woken one day to find out you were in the capital?"

"Of course not!" She's emphatic but given her track record, he can't find it in himself to blindly believe her. "I would have had to be brave. I'd have been forced to confront you about our relationship. But I asked you before, Castle, and you brushed me off as if you had no idea what I was really talking about. And I know you knew, Rick."

It's now his turn to feel ashamed. He was wounded back then, jealous with a dented pride, and acted with no small amount of pettiness. He knew full well that she was attempting to broach the subject of their future, and he had dodged the question. But really, he can't shoulder the blame for her deception. He says as much to her, and she shakes her head in denial.

"I'm not trying to blame you, Rick. This is all on me, I know that. I'm just trying to explain. I was scared." She hesitates and chews her lip before looking him straight on. "I _am_ scared."

He deflates a little in the face of her rare admission of what she would perceive as weakness. A fierce curse then escapes him and she startles, wide-eyed and tears spilling. But he gestures to the children screeching their way at full pelt towards them. He takes her arm and leads her away, deeper into the park and away from families and interruptions. She's trembling under his hand and he relents, wrapping an arm around her, his fingers slipping under the leather jacket and curling around the jut of her pelvis bone.

She releases an involuntary whimper at this, a sound unlike any he's ever heard from Kate Beckett. She's soon turning into him, gripping him, pressing into his broad chest. Hot tears reach his throat and she's gulping out desperate apologies and promises. "I'm sorry, Rick. I'm so sorry. I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to be more open and… And just _more_."

"You don't need to be more," he interrupts. Really, he thinks this is half the problem. She's only told him a little of her time with Doctor Burke, but he knows she worked hard to be more receptive towards her own feelings and those of others. And really, in comparison to how she was when they met, it's incredible how much more open she is now. "It's just a blip," he murmurs into her ear when he comes to the realisation of what has happened. "You've already come so far, Kate. You don't need to be more, you don't need to be better. Just talk to me, that's all I ask."

She stills against him and then pulls back so she can make eye contact though she still grips him fiercely. "Okay, okay I can do that. But there are going to be times when I slip and I fail. And I need you to push me then, Rick. Please don't give up on me."

"I won't." He smiles tenderly, seeing something ease in her expression in response. He brushes gentle fingers against her cheeks, drawing away the salty moisture resting there. "And you need to do the same with me. I may have a vast lexicon at my disposal, but I'm the champion at avoiding the serious issues."

She nods, her expression so very resolute and fierce. "I will. We'll fight for this, together."

He tucks her under her chin and this time the embrace is less fraught with desperation and instead more mutual comfort. "In case my proposal didn't make it clear, I see my future with you, Kate. I want _our_ future. Always."

"And because my response was _spectacularly_ unclear…" She tilts within his embrace to meet his gaze. "Richard Castle… Yes!"

 _ **Fin**_

* * *

Thank you so much for reading! Would love to know what you think if you can spare a few seconds. :-)


End file.
